Thursday, May 31, 2012


Harriette won’t let 13 year-old Laura attend to a co-ed party! Laura does not find this to be fair at all and has been begging to go for the past month but Harriette says she is too young.  Laura references a date that Eddie was allowed to go out on when he was 13, but apparently ever since that date Eddie has no longer been the same, but the details of that life-changing date are not provided. Laura lays the charms on her father pretty thick and manages to get him on her side and he is able to convince Harriette to allow Laura to attend the party by promising to have the police force use their time to send a squad car past the party every hour on the hour to ensure that she alone is safe. Safety is probably the least of Laura’s problems as she still has yet to find a date. Her friend suggests she go with a Steve Urkel, however Laura is resistant to that idea. Urkel arrives at “Leroy’s” restaurant to ask Laura out, but Laura’s friend, who just minutes earlier suggested Urkel, yells at Urkel, demanding he leave them alone. Urkel won’t give up and informs Laura that his father knows Wayne Newton; this fact does not impress the girls and Laura’s nameless friend throws a French fry at Steven and calls him “goat face”.  Steven then walks into a pole and apologizes to the pole. Laura wants to ask Mark Newhouse out, but her friend insists he will be asking out Jo Beth Hensley but Laura and Mark share a smile across the restaurant and its clear Mark is interested. Back at home aunt Rachel wants to design Laura a dress, but Laura thinks she shouldn’t bother because no one has asked her out yet. Carl insists Rachel make the dress because he is confident that Laura will be asked out; he takes the matter into his own hands and calls Steve Urkles father and arranges the date himself. Eddie later on finds Laura moping on the porch and gives her some brotherly advice and suggests she just call Mark Newhouse herself rather than waiting around; she builds up the courage and despite potential humiliation she calls Mark and asks him to be her date. On the night of the party Rachel debuts Laura’s dress, which she based off of a dress she made for her “Betsy Wetsty” doll some untold number of years ago. Laura is excited about the dress, but Harriette pulls the sleeve off and Rachel has to do an emergency repair job. While the girls are in a rush to fix the dress, multiple non-Mark Newhouse dates arrive for Laura: Steven Urkel as invited by Carl (Steven arrives with flowers he stole, root and all, from a cemetery), and a headphone-clad and possible mute, Tyrone, that Eddie paid ten dollars to go on the date with his sister. In all this mix-up Mark Newhouse shows up and its revealed that Laura’s family has been acting as a quasi-escort service and this drives Laura over the edge of humiliation and she storms off. Harriette finds Laura, once again, moping on the porch; she explains the family’s intentions and how she should relax about having to ask a boy out rather than be asked herself. Mark isn’t dismayed by the evening’s antics, and the two go to the party, but based on Laura’s review it sounds like it was a real lame event. The episode ends with the family retching at the idea of ever seeing Steven Urkel again.

LESSON: Dudes are cool with a woman asking them out. Like, 100% cool with it.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


The Winslow's don't own a VCR! In order to raise some extra cash to purchase the machine, Laura organizes a family garage sale. The items for sale are slim pickings and its a struggle to pull anything out of Carl's grasp; whether its an old tennis racquet, catchers mitt, or his bell-bottom pants that he wore to Woodstock ... the movie. Mother Winslow is heading to an elderly sleep-over party at her friend Carletta's and at the last minute gives Laura permission to sell anything out of her large cardboard box of old items, but with one exception, Laura cannot sell the quilt on the top of the box. Bad weather rolls in and puts a damper on the garage sales progress and Eddie and Judy prove to be lackluster supporters and ditch the sale. Desperate to sell anything, Laura caves to a multi-hundred dollar offer for her Grandmothers quilt that had been left out on a table underneath some other sale items. Post-sale its revealed that the quilt is 200 years old and has been passed down six generations and added to by each Winslow family daughter. Laura is gutted by this revelation and commits to searching for the rest of her life to find the woman who purchased the quilt, however, Carl tries to squash her hopes by letting her know that if she doesn't find a lead within 24 hours she may never solve the case. Thankfully Edward had been taking random photos of things when he was outside during a lightning storm and inadvertently captured photographic evidence of the quilt-purchasing woman's car. Carl uses his police force access to run her license plate and track down her place of work at an art gallery where they are displaying the quilt with a price tag of $3,000.00! The woman refuses to return the quilt and offers them a "reasonable" discount price of $2,800.00, but after a quasi-tearful plea by Laura she agrees to return the family their quilt. Carl and Laura return home and present Mother Winslow the rescued quilt. Mother Winslow precedes to explain how that even though she does not have a daughter to pass the quilt onto, she will pass it onto Harriette who can then pass it onto Laura, and when each of them dies the remaining daughter sews in a patch representing the fallen. The episode ends with Laura and Mother Winslow professing their love for each other, and Aunt Rachel rubs Edwards knee for some reason.

LESSON: Take two minutes to put your priceless valuables away, even if you are running late to a sleep-over.

He cracks us all up, Eddie. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Episode 10, Season 1

Americans love affair with TV continues and the Winslow’s are no exception! When Carl arrives home after a long day of pounding the pavement he is disappointed that the family would rather watch the “Buddy Goodrich Show”, a show about an rich African-American father and his two adopted Caucasian children, than hear about his exciting cop adventures. Carl tries to highlight the unrealistic nature of the show, but the family will hear none of it. Carl is so saddened he proposes to Harriette that maybe he should start to dress more preppy like the shows titular character; Harriette shoots the idea down because no one would ever believe Carl as “ivy-league”. The next day during his police patrol Carl swings by the local Theater to pick up tickets for the live Buddy Goodrich performance. When he arrives at the theater he notices a car parked in a handicapped zone which belongs to Buddy Goodrich himself! When the hot-shot actor is presented to Carl, his demeanor is a 180-degree difference from his character on the show and he refuses to move his car. Carl insists he follow police orders and it only agitates Buddy Goodrich more and more. The actor refers to Carl as “Officer Chubbo”, pokes him in the chest, and then shoves him several times in a row. None of this drives Carl over the edge until Buddy takes a swing at him, which Carl ducks and then slams Goodrich against a wall, cuffs him, and brings him to jail. The local news quickly jumps on the story and along with Buddy’s commentary its spinned it into a case of wrongful arrest and police battery. The superstar actor then shows up at the Winslow’s home in an attempt to talk/bribe Carl into changing his story so he can avoid a trial. But we know Carl; he’s made of stronger stuff! Goodrich fails to understand why Carl won’t take the bribe – and Carl drops one hell of a monologue on Goodrich about the honor and duty he upholds as a member of the police force and as a father. With the entire family eavesdropping through the kitchen door they learn the truth about their once beloved actor and they brush him out of the house like the stinking rat he truly is! After a several week long trial Goodrich’s assistant breaks on the witness stand and testifies against the actor. The court finds him guilty and punishes him with 100 hours community service and a large fine. The episode ends with the family embarking on a drive to go witness the defamed actor cleaning up trash along the interstate.

LESSON: It’s ok to shove a police officer a few times.


Bag of celery stalks, bag of carrot sticks, bag of lettuce, chunky peanut butter sandwich, meatloaf sandwich, another type of sandwich, two apples, jar of mustard, bag of chips, several candies.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Episode 9, Season 1

Carl doesn’t like change! His longtime partner Burt has up and quit the force in order to pursue his screenwriting dreams in California and now Carl has to work with new partner for the first time in years. It wouldn’t be so bad if his new partner wasn’t … A WOMAN! Carl agrees with the theory of a police woman unlike Eddie “Next thing you know they’ll wanna play football.” (Carl and Eddie burst into laughter). Fears of having to make up for a woman’s supposed lesser physical abilities are squashed when the new partner Vanessa tackles a robber at a liquor store, plus she’s a weight lifter and bowler! When Vanessa arrives at the Winslow’s to pick up Carl for bowling the family is shocked by her rockin’ hot bod; Rachel and Estelle quickly subscribe to the thoughts that Carl will wanna bork her. The following morning Carl notifies Harriette and the family that he is going to be on a marathon stake-out session and spending twelve hours a day in a car with the lady cop and defends Vanessa’s abilities as a police woman to the barbs and jabs from his mother and sister-in-law. Harriette trusts Carl but Rachel and Estelle insist on attempting to force the issue of potential seductions, “We don’t know anything about Vanessa, she could be a sex crazed vixen.” Whilst folding laundry Harriette finds a Motel key to ‘Louie’s Love Grotto’ inside of Carl’s pants pocket and despite the suspicious evidence she insists Carl is being faithful and will prove it by confronting Carl at the stakeout. Vanessa and Carl are in fact staking out the sexy motel and staging a diamond buy from some thugs. The busty Vanessa is having issues with a hidden microphone concealed within her cavernous cleavage and Carl is required to re-wire it within her shirt, this is when Harriette and Rachel coming storming in. After some convincing Carl puts out the fire with his Wife and proves it’s a stake out, he repeats this to his mother when she busts in as well. The entire family is thrown into the mess when the real thugs arrive to sell their stolen diamonds. The microphone continues to fail and the cavalry doesn’t arrive when called on and the thugs get wise to the set-up and try to flee. Carl is able to subdue the smaller criminal but the big one throws Rachel across the room and makes a break for the door, luckily the elderly grandmother Estelle is trained in jujitsu and flips the massive thug onto the floor knocking him unconscious. The old maids are pleased to be proven wrong about their suspicions of Carl and Harritte is thrilled that her instincts were right in the first place. The chapter ends with Carl and Harriette darting off to ‘Louie’s Love Grotto’ to have intercourse before check-out time.

LESSON: Police women are sex objects too.



Friday, October 22, 2010

Episode 8, Season 1

Episode 8, Season 1
Get out of the shower, Estelle! Too many people in the house with not enough showers and the traffic jam is just getting too much. Estelle is off to visit her well-to-do son Frank in Milwaukee, and if we are to believe as she says: each and every one of his bathrooms has a shower (one with a hot tub!). Carl gets the hint and decides a shower needs to be installed in his mother’s bathroom – and much to Harriette’s chagrin he plans to install it himself. Carl has a long track record of disastrous repairs and carpentry projects, including a Bird House that was condemned by the Audubon Society. Rachel meanwhile is bragging to anyone who will listen that her infant son Richie had said “Mama” for the first time, but he utters nary a peep around any other family member. Carl decides to humor Harriette and allows a contractor to come in and survey the project, but he laughs in the contractors face once he receives the estimate – she insists she will be return after his impending failure and is not impressed by the fact that Carl is a member of the “Tool of the Month Club”. Carl enlists Edward as his crew member and things spin out of control – in a wild session of stumbling and bumbling Carl nearly trashes the entire bathroom in a few short seconds when he attempts to find a stud in the wall. Rachel continues her pursuit to prove to everyone that Richie can speak and begins recording his every waking moment – Carl suggests maybe Rachel misheard a burp. The shower instalation is hitting snags but an even bigger kink forms when Estelle calls home and tells Harriette she will be coming home days early because she is sick and tired of her cheap son Frank “Every time he takes her to a restaurant he makes her order from the children’s menu.” Carl calls an audible and changes into a hurry up offense and informs Eddie that they need to finish the project tonight! Harriette is shocked when she checks up on the progress and sees the bathroom is still in a mess, Carl insists he is nearly done – but when they try to run the shower the sink faucet starts pouring and vice versa. After some serious nagging at Carl that he will never complete the project, Carl accepts and feels degraded at his lack of handiness “ …being good with your hands is part of what makes a man.” Harriette prattles off some line about being good with your heart being what makes you a man, and that seems to make Carl feel better. With time running out they hire a contractor in the middle of the night and they complete the installation. Estelle returns home and is eager to use her new shower after long trip back from her cheapskate son’s home “Ya know, I took a bunch of Frank’s towels!” The chapter ends with Little Richie saying “Mama” to an empty room just after Rachel leaves to get new batteries for her tape recorder – whoops!!

: Don’t let your mother move in with you.


Eddie's guesses for this movie title charade:



-Lethal Weapon 2

The correct answer is “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” – obviously.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Episode 7, Season 1

Carl has big, massive, gigantic news! Not only does he have the best safety record in the city, not only will he be driving in the Columbus Day Parade, but get this – he will be the lead car! He won’t be driving just any old black and white cruiser either; it’s the antique squad car Eliott Ness drove and the Police station has found it to make sense for Carl to park it at his house. The classic car exposes Rachel as a car lover when she rattles off the make, year, and engine specifics of the old car. She’s desperate to drive it but Carl warns the entire family that no one can touch it except him. Carl is so excited by his big news he decides to conk out on the couch, while he slumbers Harriette and Rachel let their curiosity get the best of them and they convince themselves that they can safely drive the antique car around the block. But as quickly as Rachel can drive the car out of the garage she smashes the fender into a tree! Luckily we learned earlier that Rachel has been taking adult education classes in car repair, she’s positive she can fix the 1934 era Ford fender over night and keep it all a secret from safety record holding Carl and she knows he won’t forgive her “You know he still hasn’t forgiven me for breaking his Flintstones coffee mug!” The two sisters combine their Crawford powers and begin the grand cover up; Harriette takes the house to ensure Carl stays away until the fender is finished and Rachel attempts to see if she earned that “A” she got in body repair. Harriette deftly weaves various lies with the children to distract Carl from the grand racket in the driveway. Rachel makes a shortened deadline due to Carl’s eagerness to prepare for the parade and has the fender fixed and attached to the car just in time. However, as soon as Carl leaves the house he returns with detached (yet spotless) fender in hand and warns everyone when he completes the parade he will use his keen detective skills to find the culprit, and continues on, presumably with re-attached fender. When Carl arrives home after the festivities he receives a round of apologies from the family for aiding in the cover-up and from Rachel for smashing the fender, Carl accepts and reminds them to keep him involved in family problems. At the end of the chapter Carl reveals he also wrecked the car “After the parade I accidentally backed into the Sons of Italy float”.

LESSON: Take an adult education course.


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Episode 6, Season 1

The Winslow’s have been rummaging through Eddies trash! Carl is shocked to discover a discarded bulletin announcing that basketball tryouts are in three weeks and feels that they may have missed the proper jump to get Eddie into playing shape. Carl confronts Eddie and immediately embarks him on a grueling workout regimen and forces him to name his basketball; Eddie chooses “Fred”. The training begins with standard drills, dribbling for miles while his dad drives along side in a car, and waking up at dawn on the weekend for even more drills. Carl runs Edward ragged during a long practice session and Eddie decides that sacrificing all his free time isn’t worth it and quits basketball (forever). In a panic Carl quickly heads down to Chicago Stadium to buy Bulls tickets where he runs into pro basketball super star Will “The Thrill” Morgan. Carl scams the star into thinking that he wants to buy his used Porsche and that they should settle the sale at the Winslow’s home. The scam blows up in Carl’s face, but “The Thrill” isn’t fazed by Carl’s audacity and agrees to spend the afternoon playing basketball with total strangers. The Thrill shows Eddie some impressive moves and agrees to give Eddie some advice; after several hours alone together Eddie and The Thrill arrive back at the Winslow’s homestead and Carl assumes the superstar ball player will have convinced Edward to continue basketball. He doesn’t, in fact he confirms for Eddie that basketball isn’t his dream and that he should pursue his own interests not just his fathers. Carl realizes he can’t force Eddie to pursue dreams that aren’t his own, and Eddie admits he doesn’t have any dreams other than ones of girls and taking said girls to the movies. The chapter ends with Eddie spreading ice cream onto some wretched muffins Rachel had made earlier in the day.

LESSON: Bold faced lies can be a useful tool.


This poster features a drawing of a pigs head underneath the word "Love". Carl is overweight(pig) and is also a cop(pig) and whomever drew it surely loves him. Carl Winslow is a beloved pig.